I loved you so much
and it’s such a shame
that love wasn’t enough
to save us
Author: musingsandmusic
Leonard Cohen
I’ve been getting into Leonard Cohen lately,
and it makes me think of you.
You were the first person to introduce me to him
with You Want It Darker
all those years ago.
This might sound crazy
given the trauma you caused me,
but sometimes I feel like
the greatest tragedy of your transgressions
was losing you as a friend—
a choice I had to make
in order to heal.
It’s the fact that I can’t reach out to you today
and tell you how right you were about Cohen:
”I’m really starting to get it now—
he truly is incredible.”
What I Bring to the Table
If I don’t know what I bring to the table,
I will always show up hungry enough
to settle for crumbs
Day One
My problem is
that I always tried to date the person I want to be
instead of become the person I want to be
Hungry Ghost
I tried to make you all tell me I’m okay
because I couldn’t–COULD NOT–tell myself that I’m okay
little did I know
that approval-seeking is a hungry ghost
it is a black hole
that not even the greatest admiration in the world
can fill
Soul Poison
I am so angry
that I let you inside my body,
inside my heart,
and inside my mind.
I would never eat something
that would poison my body,
so why did I love someone
who poisoned my soul?
Rock Bottom
I think I’ve reached a point
where I will either get better
or I will die.
Two options.
Black and white.
No in-between.
Sinking Ship
Sometimes I feel
like our love is a sinking ship
and I’m trying to patch the holes
but too much water
has already crept inside
Trauma Bonding
Touch me
like you can cure my depression with your hands.
And I’ll touch you
like I can cure yours.
It won’t work, of course.
But it’s sexy to pretend.
Those Damn Richard Nixons
One day, you told me about
how, in high school,
you and your friends
would skip class
and hang out in the teacher’s lounge.
About how
you’d flip through textbooks
and draw devil horns
on all the pictures of Richard Nixon.
I am drawn to rebellious people
like a moth to a flame,
because I see them
as more actualized versions
of myself.
It wasn’t all of why
I fell in love with you,
why you felt like magic to me,
but it was certainly part of it.
I only skipped class once
in high school.
I went to the library
to study for another class,
and felt nervous and guilty
the whole time.
Deep down, I wanted to be like you–
braver, more reckless and unconcerned.
I wanted to base my decisions
on the desires of my soul,
not rules and authority figures.
I was always good,
but I didn’t want to be good.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to draw devil horns
on those damn Richard Nixons.
(May 2022)
Musings and Music 