If I don’t know what I bring to the table,
I will always show up hungry enough
to settle for crumbs
Author: musingsandmusic
Day One
My problem is
that I always tried to date the person I want to be
instead of become the person I want to be
Hungry Ghost
I tried to make you all tell me I’m okay
because I couldn’t–COULD NOT–tell myself that I’m okay
little did I know
that approval-seeking is a hungry ghost
it is a black hole
that not even the greatest love in the world
can fill
Soul Poison
I am so angry
that I let you inside my body,
inside my heart,
and inside my mind.
I would never eat something
that would poison my body,
so why did I love someone
who poisoned my soul?
Rock Bottom
I think I’ve reached a point
where I will either get better
or I will die.
Two options.
Black and white.
No in-between.
Sinking Ship
Sometimes I feel
like our love is a sinking ship
and I’m trying to patch the holes
but too much water
has already crept inside
Trauma Bonding
Touch me
like you can cure my depression with your hands.
And I’ll touch you
like I can cure yours.
It won’t work, of course.
But it’s sexy to pretend.
Those Damn Richard Nixons
One day, you told me about
how, in high school,
you and your friends
would skip class
and hang out in the teacher’s lounge.
About how
you’d flip through textbooks
and draw devil horns
on all the pictures of Richard Nixon.
I am drawn to rebellious people
like a moth to a flame,
because I see them
as more actualized versions
of myself.
It wasn’t all of why
I fell in love with you,
why you felt like magic to me,
but it was certainly part of it.
I only skipped class once
in high school.
I went to the library
to study for another class,
and felt nervous and guilty
the whole time.
Deep down, I wanted to be like you–
braver, more reckless and unconcerned.
I wanted to base my decisions
on the desires of my soul,
not rules and authority figures.
I was always good,
but I didn’t want to be good.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to draw devil horns
on those damn Richard Nixons.
(May 2022)
Uncharted Waters
I tried to escape the pain,
and nothing worked.
So now, I will go into the pain.
As I stand at the edge of this ocean,
I cannot see the opposite shore.
But I must trust that someday I will,
if I’m brave enough to start swimming.
(May 2022)
When I Go Deep
When I go deep into my guilt, I find innocence.
When I go deep into my sorrow, I find joy.
When I go deep into my anger, I find forgiveness.
When I go deep into my self-hatred, I find self-love.
When I go deep into my grief, I find rebirth.
When I go deep into my hurt, I find healing.
When I go deep into my loneliness, I find connection.
When I go deep into my weakness, I find strength.
When I go deep into my fear, I find courage.
When I go deep into my bewilderment, I find clarity.
When I say deep, I mean DEEP.
The path to heaven often takes a person straight through hell,
offering no shortcuts.
But every suffering is the raw material for its opposite.
Don’t be afraid of your darkness.
Sit with it quietly.
Listen to it intently.
Someday,
it will lead you to your light.
Musings and Music 