“Don’t ask ‘why the addiction?’ Ask ‘why the pain?'”-Dr. Gabor Mate
my addictions
were always lifeboats
the right question was never
“why to I reach for them so desperately and indiscriminately?”
it was
“why am I goddamn drowning all the time?”
Category: Poems
Rainforest
What a painful, lonely, barren world I lived in:
a desert where your love was the only water.
To heal, I must come to know
that I am not a desert,
but a rainforest.
Self-Love is Survival
I was starving
and you were my only food,
but you were also poison.
How brave I was back then,
when there were no other sources of sustenance in sight,
to turn away from you
and trust
that if I could only hold on a bit longer,
I’d be able to find some.
I did.
Both And
Sometimes, I’m insanely proud of how far I’ve come
until I’m humbled by remembering how far I have yet to go.
Other times, I’m insanely discouraged by how far I have yet to go
until I’m heartened by remembering how far I’ve come.
Fixing the Clock
I think that regaining the ability to trust one’s own intuition is an essential part of healing and wholeness.
———
They say a broken clock
is right twice a day
and I don’t know if the days are getting faster
or if I’m fixing the clock,
but it feels like I’m right more and more often.
I am learning to trust myself again.
Celebration
I once read in a book
that we won’t let anyone treat us worse
than we treat ourselves.
That makes me so excited for my next relationship,
because I’m treating myself better and better
every day.
_____________
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”–African proverb
Coffee Shop Thoughts II
“Damn, that girl is beautiful.”
I catch myself admiring her braids,
trying not to stare.
It’s a strange and new thing,
noticing women in this way–
the same way I’ve always noticed men.
A strange, new, and wonderful thing.
Empty Words
I’m so angry at you
for telling me I was special
but not treating me like I was.
But I’m angrier still at myself
for hanging on for dear life
to your empty words
Stairs
If you aren’t the magic carpet
that will fly me up out of my misery,
then I guess I’d better get started
on building some damn stairs
Ode to the Feminine
Let me be the beta male
or, better yet,
a woman–
because there is
a great strength in softness,
a seismic power in nurturance,
and a mighty force in empathy.
______________
Huge credit to Everything, Everywhere All At Once and Pop Culture Detective’s analysis of it for helping me see this more deeply.
Musings and Music 