Bat-Shit Crazy

Looking back on our relationship,
sometimes I wonder
if you really hurt me
or if I was just bat-shit crazy.

My conclusion?
I was bat-shit crazy.

But that doesn’t mean
you didn’t hurt me.

__________________________________________________________

Note from the author: Just wanted to remind anyone who needs to hear it that there is no “perfect victim” of trauma. Even in light of your imperfections, your pain is valid. ❤

Truer

When I prayed,
“Dear God,
help me see myself
as I truly am,”
I hoped to get a clearer picture
of things I often deny:
my mistakes,
my failures,
my cowardice,
my evils.
Instead,
I felt
a deep love.
I wonder
if this was God’s way
of telling me
that while my flaws
are true,
Love
is even
truer.


Fires

I vow
to spend my life
walking through fires
instead of
cowering from them.
I vow
to spread light
even when it means
I must
endure heat.

(written 2017 or 2018)

*Inspired by the Viktor Frankl quote, “what is to give light must endure burning.”

Whack-a-Mole

My creativity
is like a whack-a-mole:
when my demons scare it away,
it always pops up somewhere else,
somewhere unexpected.
When the hammer of judgment comes down,
it runs,
then reappears
somewhere I’m not looking.
It’s playful and cunning,
like the Looney Tunes roadrunner–
the coyote
will never catch it.
It’s opportunistic,
like a weed
that grows through the cracks
in the pavement.
It’s resilient,
like Fawkes the Phoenix–
every death
leads to a rebirth.
It must reinvent itself
a million times over,
but it never gives up,

and I’m so grateful
it doesn’t.

Sometimes We Can Find Meaning, Even When We Can’t Find Happiness

“What’s the point of life
if you aren’t going to be happy doing it?”
is a lovely,
and often useful,
sentiment.

But for those of us with depression,
happiness isn’t always within reach.

My depression is so long-lasting
(I fear it may be lifelong),
that it has prompted me to ask myself,
“Is an unhappy life still worth living?”
“Is there a purpose to life beyond happiness?”

This morning,
a more effective question
for pushing myself to live intentionally
popped into my head:
“What’s the point of unhappiness
if you aren’t going to live
while doing it?”

(P.S. For my readers with depression: I know that sometimes, in deep bouts, “living” is completely out of the question. Sometimes, all you can aim for is surviving. That is okay too. <3)