“Don’t ask ‘why the addiction?’ Ask ‘why the pain?'”-Dr. Gabor Mate
my addictions
were always lifeboats
the right question was never
“why to I reach for them so desperately and indiscriminately?”
it was
“why am I goddamn drowning all the time?”
Tag: addiction
No Matter the Cost
In order to become the person I want to be,
I must pursue inner peace with the same fervor
that I used to pursue pleasure:
doing whatever it takes to get it,
no matter the cost.
Undercurrents
Addiction is constant pleasure and numbing, with an undercurrent of self-hatred.
Sobriety is constant pain and hardship, with an undercurrent of peace and growing self-love.
Addiction looks like a shiny suspension bridge
over the chasm of your loneliness and despair,
but it’s a lie–there is no suspension bridge, no easy road, no pain-free life.
There are only two choices:
move forward by descending into the chasm,
or stand still and procrastinate.
The more you choose the latter to avoid the sharp pain,
the more you’ll pay for it with the dull pain of letting yourself down.
We must choose
between the head-splitting agony of presence
and the slow, rotting feeling of escape.
Addiction is constant pleasure and numbing, with an undercurrent of self-hatred.
Sobriety is constant pain and hardship, with an undercurrent of peace and growing self-love.
And I’m beginning to learn
that despite their subtlety,
the undercurrents matter most.
Recovery Meeting Observations
I find it striking that us addicts
are simultaneously the most fucked-up people
and the wisest
Rock Bottom
I think I’ve reached a point
where I will either get better
or I will die.
Two options.
Black and white.
No in-between.
Uncharted Waters
I tried to escape the pain,
and nothing worked.
So now, I will go into the pain.
As I stand at the edge of this ocean,
I cannot see the opposite shore.
But I must trust that someday I will,
if I’m brave enough to start swimming.
(May 2022)
Musings and Music 