I was starving
and you were my only food,
but you were also poison.
How brave I was back then,
when there were no other sources of sustenance in sight,
to turn away from you
and trust
that if I could only hold on a bit longer,
I’d be able to find some.
I did.
Iām so angry at you
for telling me I was special
but not treating me like I was.
But Iām angrier still at myself
for hanging on for dear life
to your empty words
If losing you
was the cost of finding myself,
it was a price well worth paying.
sometimes, I feel at peace looking back
like our relationship served its purpose
and sometimes, I feel utterly disquieted
like that purpose was to haunt me
Sometimes,
when I lament to God, “why I can’t have him?”
she explains that it’s because
I must learn to embrace having myself
I was a beautiful piece of glass
that you never held up to the light.
Do you still adore me
now that you can see my cracks?
(3/31/22)
Musings and Music 