When I called you to apologize,
you gave me more grace than I thought you would.
You said you thought I was a good person, deep down.
Your words were like antiseptic on a wound—
they healed, but also burned.
Because I don’t want people to need a magnanimous shovel
to be able to uncover and see my goodness.
I don’t want to be a “good person, deep down”—
I want to be a good person.
My problem is
that I always tried to date the person I want to be
instead of become the person I want to be
I think I’ve reached a point
where I will either get better
or I will die.
Black and white.
I’m not perfect,
but I am trying.
Trying isn’t everything.
It doesn’t undo the mistakes I’ve made,
heal the people I’ve hurt,
or bring back the time I’ve wasted.
But it IS something.
It is not nothing.
This poem is dedicated to myself and to all of my readers. ❤
“The places where you have the biggest challenges in your life become the places where you have the most to give, if you do your inner work.” –Tracy McMillan
that the pain of your today
becomes the pride of your tomorrow.
that the struggle of your today
becomes the strength of your tomorrow.
that the torment of your today
becomes the triumph of your tomorrow.
we must accept
death after death
of the selves
we used to be
to make room
for the births
of the selves
we will become
(written summer 2019)