I wish I’d learned earlier in life than I did that the nuts and bolts of a relationship are far more important than the cinematic, romantic parts.
You told me you don’t believe that connections like ours happen by accident,
implying that divine hands had pushed us together.
I agree, but I also don’t think connections like ours
happen for free.
Your fairy tale proclamations meant nothing
when you weren’t willing to make the sacrifices needed to choose me,
and no God who has my best interests at heart
would push me toward a cheap, distorted version of partnership
when I deserve the real thing.
No longer do I want to choose lovers
based on the fantasy of healing them
or of them healing me
I want someone
with whom I can walk side by side,
providing each other company
while we both heal ourselves
No longer do I want the sugar high
of consuming each other like candy
I want the difficulty and fulfillment
of nourishing each other like broccoli seeds
*I borrowed the broccoli seed metaphor from Gesturing Toward Decolonial Futures’ “Broccoli Seed Agreement.” Please check out their work! They’re amazing!
when I lament to God, “why I can’t have him?”
she explains that it’s because
I must learn to embrace having myself
No longer is my main goal in life
to be happy.
It’s to be fulfilled
You said I’d be sexy
if I wore my hair down
if I plucked my eyebrows
if I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt.
I laugh at how much you’re missing,
at how completely you misunderstand me.
It is my mind, my heart,
my soul, my very essence that makes me sexy–
not any of those things.
(written spring 2019)