Sometimes, I’m insanely proud of how far I’ve come
until I’m humbled by remembering how far I have yet to go.
Other times, I’m insanely discouraged by how far I have yet to go
until I’m heartened by remembering how far I’ve come.
I think that regaining the ability to trust one’s own intuition is an essential part of healing and wholeness.
They say a broken clock
is right twice a day
and I don’t know if the days are getting faster
or if I’m fixing the clock,
but it feels like I’m right more and more often.
I am learning to trust myself again.
If you aren’t the magic carpet
that will fly me up out of my misery,
then I guess I’d better get started
on building some damn stairs
Growing up, I never learned how to dance with another person.
I learned how to orbit them,
for they were the center of gravity;
how to flatten myself against walls,
for they always filled the room.
So I’m working on learning those things now:
how to be equal,
how to take up space,
how to give and take,
how to dance.
You can only abuse someone for so long
until they get tired of your shit
and stand up to you
This is true
even when that someone
At the end of the day,
I didn’t want to be
one of the many moons
in your orbit.
I wanted to be
my own damn planet.
This poem is dedicated to a person who I’ll always love, and who showed me the meaning of unconditional love. (SBH)
Your love is a steady stream of water
carving away at my mountain of insecurities
Your love is a fierce gust of wind
wearing down my fears and past hurts
Your love is erosion
in the most beautiful way
(late 2019 or early 2020)
“I will not date again
until my insides feel right”
is the marching order
that gets me through the day
“But what if my insides
never feel right?”
is the haunting whisper
that keeps me up at night
When I called you to apologize,
you gave me more grace than I thought you would.
You said you thought I was a good person, deep down.
Your words were like antiseptic on a wound—
they healed, but also burned.
Because I don’t want people to need a magnanimous shovel
to be able to uncover and see my goodness.
I don’t want to be a “good person, deep down”—
I want to be a good person.
I am so angry
that I let you inside my body,
inside my heart,
and inside my mind.
I would never eat something
that would poison my body,
so why did I love someone
who poisoned my soul?