If only I’d known
that your sense of intellectual superiority,
your inability to admit when you were wrong,
and your unwillingness to reconsider your opinions
were not signs of strength,
but signs of weakness.
They were what drew me to you
in the beginning,
and what pushed me away
in the end.
I was thrilled when I aced your tests
until I realized
that the right person
wouldn’t be testing me in the first place
Shoutout to Rachel Krantz, whose book Open: an Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy helped me a lot an inspired this poem.
If losing you
was the cost of finding myself,
it was a price well worth paying
At the end of the day,
I didn’t want to be
one of the many moons
in your orbit.
I wanted to be
my own damn planet.
I wish I’d learned earlier in life than I did that the nuts and bolts of a relationship are far more important than the cinematic, romantic parts.
You told me you don’t believe that connections like ours happen by accident,
implying that divine hands had pushed us together.
I agree, but I also don’t think connections like ours
happen for free.
Your fairy tale proclamations meant nothing
when you weren’t willing to make the sacrifices needed to choose me,
and no God who has my best interests at heart
would push me toward a cheap, distorted version of partnership
when I deserve the real thing.
No longer do I want to choose lovers
based on the fantasy of healing them
or of them healing me
I want someone
with whom I can walk side by side,
providing each other company
while we both heal ourselves
No longer do I want the sugar high
of consuming each other like candy
I want the difficulty and fulfillment
of nourishing each other like broccoli seeds
*I borrowed the broccoli seed metaphor from Gesturing Toward Decolonial Futures’ “Broccoli Seed Agreement.” Please check out their work! They’re amazing!
sometimes, I feel at peace looking back
like our relationship served its purpose
and sometimes, I feel utterly disquieted
like that purpose was to haunt me
when I lament to God, “why I can’t have him?”
she explains that it’s because
I must learn to embrace having myself
I will not accept
half of your heart
in a shady alleyway.
To be my lover,
you must give me your whole heart
on a sunlit street.
I loved you so much
and it’s such a shame
that love wasn’t enough
to save us